The Sick and the Ailing

I barely knew him then.

I was new to the place and he was famous for his disappearing acts. He had just come back after one of his stunts and we got acquainted.

That is, some one said

This is ……

And I said smiling “Yes?”

And he said nothing at all, immediately attaching himself to some one else and moving away.

He was disturbed and would lie on the wooden coat in our room staring up at the ceiling. He would not speak. He was like a child and would even come and lie on any other bed uninvited. In fact he preferred to sleep in other beds than his own. He was ill.

We shared the same room.

I had long stopped being philanthropic by then. But had taken a liking for this strange character. May be because he was such a child. Or may be because of the wonder I felt at his foolish faith in others.

Can others be relied upon? . Only the crazy seemed to believe so. None can be trusted I felt, no, not even your blood relatives. None.

He would ask all sorts of questions when he felt like it.

“Why am I like this? “

I would look at him. I thought one should not ignore the emotionally disturbed. I tried to convey to him by my look that I was his friend and I was listening to him. He did not need such reassurances though. He would behave just the same to all. But others would make themselves scarce when he starts to pose questions.

I still had a streak of feeling then for my race, I was also his room mate. I could not avoid him like others.

On occasions he would look very scared.

“It’s as if something is burning up my heart!”

His face would look as if it was breaking in to hundreds of pieces

I would think. Who he is complaining to? I carry a cauldron of fire inside mine. It has demonic flare ups every other moment. It hasn’t yet destroyed me fully, but it will. In the end it will.

I had felt sure of that.

If he is near when he says those things I would lay a hand on him and say.

“You are sweating” or something harmless like that. That would not deter him anyway.

He would go on rambling about his feelings disjointedly. I would listen and pat him and would go on thinking my own little thoughts.

I felt helpless. He was never violent. His elder brother would come every other day and entrust his care to us. Watching both the brothers side by side was interesting. The disturbed one would look placid and very talkative while the other would look scared and troubled.

Who was ill really?

Once I thought of taking him outside. It is not that it pained me to see an active young man staying in bed all day through. No I had seen bad things than that by then. The world has a way of drying your feelings up. It makes you pine for the life of Mr. Hyde. You want to become completely insensitive to everything.

If you can trample a little kid underneath and still feel no pangs of consciousness inside you that is the way you want to be. Totally insulated from everything. May be it is a result of being inordinately sensitive once. You want to go the other way. Killing the human in you.

I knew it was a defensive mechanism. But hell I was comfortable with it then.

I had to force him to go out with me.

“You go” he said. “I’ll lie here.”

“I want company; it’s not for you alone.”

“Oh, you go.”

“Come on man, its only human to give company to your friend”

“You are not my friend, we just became acquainted.”

He had such very strong opinions some times.

“Okay you can show compassion for the desolate can’t you?”

“You don’t need any compassion. You are strong.”

“So you think.”

“So I know.”

Even his affected state did not dull his force of convictions. How ever erroneous they may be he held on to them.

Later some how he agreed and we went out.

He was listless and worried all the time and would not answer any of my questions in the beginning. Soon I began to question myself. Perhaps I did not do the right thing in bringing him out like this. It might not be good for him too.

His brother might not approve of it. What would happen if he does something? I began to worry.

“Tell me about her.” I said.

I knew that she was the cause of his sickness. I was afraid to broach the subject. Then I thought, why not, may be it would bring him back to reality.

“There is nothing to tell, she is a rotten bitch”

He said. He did not seem worried at all. There was no visible change in his dull expression.

“Poor man.” He reflected after a period os silence.

“Once some one tapped on the door while we were at it. It was him.”

“My God.” I said

“He was not supposed to be back then.”

“You ran away?”

“Where to? He was already in the house and we were shut up in the bed room.”

“Oh my holy gran mamma! What did you do?”

“Well the bitch, she was cool. She said.

Just a second **** is here. I called him you know. We are moving that shelf to the other side. Just stand away from the door.”

“No bloody shit!”

“No bloody shit!”

“Beats everything. My God!”

“We got dressed and moved the shelf making a lot of noise, and came out. He was in the drawing room.”

“I‘ll be damned. What then?”

“I was sick inside and was shaking like a leaf. But the poor guy came forward and shook my hands. I died inside. The bloody bitch. She should be stripped and led on a donkey through the streets and whipped to death.”

I wanted ask What about you? but thought better of it and said

“Unbelievable. He had no doubts at all?”

“None I think, she was my boss you know, and we had some age difference. Poor guy. Very nice man. I had met him once or twice before that too.”

“So that’s the end of it. You stopped seeing her?”

“No!”

“No? You are something, man!”

“She, she was like a vampire.”

I did not believe him. He was like a child. He would not just leave off like that. If the husband was a fool what broke up the thing I wondered.

“But it was she who jilted you isn’t it?”

“I wanted to marry her daughter. She consented at first. I thought I could do them both.”

I looked at him and stood quite. I am not going to shudder. I thought gritting my teeth. I am past such revulsions.

“That was an idea wasn’t it?” I tried to keep my voice featureless.

“Oh she would not give in the end. When I tried to force her into it she called me crazy. She did it in front of others. I was broken. The bitch”

“Bitches, bitches, bitches” I growled. I was not feeling well after we returned that evening.

I wonder if I ever would.












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