Often it is nice to have some one to point out ones mistakes. An unknown friend has done this for me. He or she invited my attention to the posts I wrote sometime back. Those posts would not rate as the hottest in the world. But strangely on occasions I seemed to have got things right, expressing myself tolerably well, but on others I was more than a little muddled, struggling to find words and the correct forms and expressions to say what I wanted to say.
I felt both delighted and sad at my performance. The delight of course was at my rare successes in expressing myself and the dispiritedness was at not being able to do so constantly. It is futile to say that those were mere first drafts. When you have set out to do something, it is incumbent on you to do it well. It is also of no use saying that I was expressing my thoughts in English in which I do not normally think. That is a lame excuse, for if you can’t do a thing well why go on doing it?
Good question no doubt! I have been racking my brains (the little of it that I have) for an answer. It is not currently forthcoming. May be my poor brains can’t handle it at this time. I have heard of things like the Brahmi Oil and brain boosters. Possibly they could generate more cells in it, who knows. I am waiting to get my hands on them. Let’s hope for the best.
As for thinking in English, well do I think at all, I mean even otherwise? Well…N..o…. not really! Though I could still remember a time in my life in which I tried to do so. It was terrible, terrible I must tell you. I never thought that the few ounces of grey matter I had in the head would be so hard to move. Talk about inertia. Mine was primordial; it was massive and wouldn’t budge.
I would start off somewhat like this:
It’s through our senses that we gather our information about the world we live in.
Dead end, cul de sac (or whatever that is walled-in on all sides) No further development!
It’s through our senses……
Nothing.
It is through………
Total oblivion.
Man! (Pinching an American expression) It was unimaginable. I would sadly consider the case of that character of Alber Camus’ in ‘The Plague’. He at least got through to the end of first paragraph every time. I could not go past the first sentence even.
It was totally unacceptable to say the least.
I don’t know if any of you have experienced intellectual stupor- If you haven’t you lost something very valuable. It teaches you great lessons. It has taught me humility. Before I took up the task of writing the first great intellectual classic of our times, my pride had extended from heaven to earth.
I too secretly suffered from it. But after the “It is through…” incident I was cured for all time to come.
In any event I had definitely developed a philosophy of life all by myself. Oh those dear days of my youth! They seem so distant now, so lost for ever.
You don’t want to see it do you, the treatise? It might prove a literary accomplishment of sorts. I wrote it without bothering to divide it into paragraphs (What is it anyway, this thingy called the paragraph?). Sadly I have lost the manuscript (what a terrible word) to time.
A good thing you might say. Well I just don’t know. Youth is something wonderful. The work might have contained ideas to shake the world. It attempted at a syntheses of the then western and the old eastern thought. It spoke of the subatomic ‘field’ and the wave particle paradox and how these can be coalesced into the system of thought of Kapila.
Who knows, the few ounces of cells I had at that time in my head may have done their work well, coupled with the irrepressible imagination the youth has.
Well in any case those heydays are over. I have taken up a pen after a long while. A pen? Actually I do not even use a pen anymore. I have perfected the one finger typing technique( TM) (Mind you it is ‘Trade Mark’ and not Transcend…. whatever Meditation. How do you spell it? Hopefully some can pronounce it I think) over a normal key board.
Anyhow that is nor here and nor there (I am still at the old habit of starting somewhere and getting nowhere I see!). The posts I wrote at the time were a mixed bag. There were some good ones, indifferent ones and thoroughly inane ones. Some had no grammar to speak of and others had old grammar all too evident. Some of the sentences had vacant spaces in it that only the most imaginative can fill.
Were there any ideas in it? Well what is that anyway (I have got a fixation of sort on this ‘anyway’ thing it seems. It crops up every now and then, pretty disturbing. It is not as if I don’t have options.)
It’s like that character in Chekhov’s ‘After Three Years’ who says “moreover’ at the most inopportune of times, if I remember right. May be it is some other character of some other novelist.
Nevertheless (There I go again) thanks friend, your silent advice has been heeded. I am waiting for a brainwave to spruce up my English, may be with your prayers it would come.
Apparently that too is a possibility.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thaddeus Golas
I have been reading Thaddeus Golas. He is good, though he claims to be an idler! Well if that is so we are kindred souls, he and I, we share the same pre occupation with indolence. Some say it is Tamasic (gross and lethargic), this languor, but I believe it is beautiful. Inertia is pure mass, it stays put, and it doesn’t bring in disturbances. The Indian deity Siva is Tamas personified sits in meditation all the time and only occasionally goes into that dance of his.
It is called the Thandava-The cosmic dance.
Well really that is when the trouble starts.
I like the guy, Thaddeus that is.
He writes magnificently for all his laziness and vows to do it a thousand times over (my!) if some one was influenced to move towards light by it. Not a very lazy statement by any standard. But should I recommend him to you? A tricky question that. Perhaps no one has the right to recommend anything to any one. May be every body is aware of everything internally and needs no recommendations!
But you don’t believe it, do you? We have all been led at some time or the other. Oftentimes we were glad that it was so and some other times we were pissed mad about it. Who is this dumb head telling us what to do!
There are receptive and hostile moments in life it seems.
Coming back to Thaddeus, his “Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment” is eminently readable. The beginning paragraph (which he lays much store by) might not capture you initially. It has too many holes in it. But can you talk about the ‘whole’ without producing some holes here and there?
[They say every electron creates a hole when it is produced! Don’t say hmm, it is expected. The theosophists called it the holes of koilon (Whatever that is). It is simple logic is it not, every depression has a manic state and every depth has a height. Sometimes logic can get so terribly boring.]
Anyway Thaddeus starts off with a bang (not the ‘big bang’ mind you, this whack is much more primary).
And I quote:
“We are equal beings and the universe is our relations with each other. The universe is made of one kind of entity: each one is alive, each determines the course of his own existence.”
He doesn’t think that there are words to describe such experiences. We sometimes feel so too faced with certain situations. But the ingenious have found a way to outwit this incapacity of our mind. They say that they were ‘struck speechless’ by certain things.
The thwack might be mighty too.
Thaddeus may not have been dumb struck, he is simply sorry that the limited can’t express the unlimited.
No wonder al all, he is talking about something which “can’t be reached by words and mind” (Na thathra vagachchathi, no mano)
To tell you the truth this lazybones (meaning yours truly) have had many such experiences in meditation (Not under medication as you suppose. There is a group of Yogis in India who resort to “ Bhang” (Strong beverage made out of opium) for illumination. Interestingly even this practice has not been looked down upon by the highly elastic Indian mind)
May be some of you might not like the way he goes on about expansion and contraction and ‘becoming’ space. He is right more or less. You need to experience it to know it.
I am not recommending him here, but I am suggesting that you read him.
It is nice to read the lazy once in a while.
It is called the Thandava-The cosmic dance.
Well really that is when the trouble starts.
I like the guy, Thaddeus that is.
He writes magnificently for all his laziness and vows to do it a thousand times over (my!) if some one was influenced to move towards light by it. Not a very lazy statement by any standard. But should I recommend him to you? A tricky question that. Perhaps no one has the right to recommend anything to any one. May be every body is aware of everything internally and needs no recommendations!
But you don’t believe it, do you? We have all been led at some time or the other. Oftentimes we were glad that it was so and some other times we were pissed mad about it. Who is this dumb head telling us what to do!
There are receptive and hostile moments in life it seems.
Coming back to Thaddeus, his “Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment” is eminently readable. The beginning paragraph (which he lays much store by) might not capture you initially. It has too many holes in it. But can you talk about the ‘whole’ without producing some holes here and there?
[They say every electron creates a hole when it is produced! Don’t say hmm, it is expected. The theosophists called it the holes of koilon (Whatever that is). It is simple logic is it not, every depression has a manic state and every depth has a height. Sometimes logic can get so terribly boring.]
Anyway Thaddeus starts off with a bang (not the ‘big bang’ mind you, this whack is much more primary).
And I quote:
“We are equal beings and the universe is our relations with each other. The universe is made of one kind of entity: each one is alive, each determines the course of his own existence.”
He doesn’t think that there are words to describe such experiences. We sometimes feel so too faced with certain situations. But the ingenious have found a way to outwit this incapacity of our mind. They say that they were ‘struck speechless’ by certain things.
The thwack might be mighty too.
Thaddeus may not have been dumb struck, he is simply sorry that the limited can’t express the unlimited.
No wonder al all, he is talking about something which “can’t be reached by words and mind” (Na thathra vagachchathi, no mano)
To tell you the truth this lazybones (meaning yours truly) have had many such experiences in meditation (Not under medication as you suppose. There is a group of Yogis in India who resort to “ Bhang” (Strong beverage made out of opium) for illumination. Interestingly even this practice has not been looked down upon by the highly elastic Indian mind)
May be some of you might not like the way he goes on about expansion and contraction and ‘becoming’ space. He is right more or less. You need to experience it to know it.
I am not recommending him here, but I am suggesting that you read him.
It is nice to read the lazy once in a while.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Chrome is nice
Ever since I began to surf the internet I have been dissatisfied by many of my browsers. I had the IE for starters. It landed me in the biggest trouble to date.
I was new to surfing and my anti virus software was nothing to boast about then, though I purchased it with good money.
I have nothing against the company, but Virus Buster is a big no for me now. It totally failed to protect me and (if what I doubt is correct) it even attracted malicious software’s into my system.
All that I did was to visit some language sites, suddenly the pop up windows would not cease, every mille second another one would jump up, there were hundreds of them. I got tired closing them down. The activity was getting hectic by the second. After a while every thing became totally jammed, there was no way to shutdown the computer. Nothing would work.
The only solution which struck my mind was to go to help in the browser tool bar and seek online help from Microsoft. Well they immediately allowed me to download Windows defender and their malicious software removal tool. They both did a thorough cleaning of the computer and the number of Trojans and viruses they found in the system were miraculous.
I then installed all security software I could find and began to surf again with great trepidation. The problem now was that the browser would take eons to launch and search even with a broad band connection. I got fed up with the IE and searched for something better. Naturally Firefox was the choice; I meddled with Safari for sometime before that too... Firefox perhaps is the safest browser around in the world now. But it also has the launching problem. It even took more time than the IE.
I do not know about you, but I feel like hell waiting for the browser to get to its feet.
There was no relief in sight till I chanced on the Google Chrome, and man, would you believe it, its light and its swift and it is just wonderful. I do not know how it works and honestly I don’t care. It has everything I look for in a browser. It gets me to the sites I want and it shows the images of most visited sites on the browser window when we open it again.
The one minor hitch though is the net installation, like that of Yahoo messenger. Some enthusiasts have created a standalone installation zip, but they want us to register at their site. If you are willing to do so it is good and if you don’t, there is no harm in downloading the Chrome set up from the Google Chrome site and letting them install it in your computer.
It has done me wonders I tell you. I am much happier now surfing the net. Its way of downloading files is also clean.
If you are a genuine net surfer and hates to wait for sites to open up go for Google Chrome by all means. It has been around for sometime, even so
here is the download link if you want it:
http://www.google.com/chrome
I was new to surfing and my anti virus software was nothing to boast about then, though I purchased it with good money.
I have nothing against the company, but Virus Buster is a big no for me now. It totally failed to protect me and (if what I doubt is correct) it even attracted malicious software’s into my system.
All that I did was to visit some language sites, suddenly the pop up windows would not cease, every mille second another one would jump up, there were hundreds of them. I got tired closing them down. The activity was getting hectic by the second. After a while every thing became totally jammed, there was no way to shutdown the computer. Nothing would work.
The only solution which struck my mind was to go to help in the browser tool bar and seek online help from Microsoft. Well they immediately allowed me to download Windows defender and their malicious software removal tool. They both did a thorough cleaning of the computer and the number of Trojans and viruses they found in the system were miraculous.
I then installed all security software I could find and began to surf again with great trepidation. The problem now was that the browser would take eons to launch and search even with a broad band connection. I got fed up with the IE and searched for something better. Naturally Firefox was the choice; I meddled with Safari for sometime before that too... Firefox perhaps is the safest browser around in the world now. But it also has the launching problem. It even took more time than the IE.
I do not know about you, but I feel like hell waiting for the browser to get to its feet.
There was no relief in sight till I chanced on the Google Chrome, and man, would you believe it, its light and its swift and it is just wonderful. I do not know how it works and honestly I don’t care. It has everything I look for in a browser. It gets me to the sites I want and it shows the images of most visited sites on the browser window when we open it again.
The one minor hitch though is the net installation, like that of Yahoo messenger. Some enthusiasts have created a standalone installation zip, but they want us to register at their site. If you are willing to do so it is good and if you don’t, there is no harm in downloading the Chrome set up from the Google Chrome site and letting them install it in your computer.
It has done me wonders I tell you. I am much happier now surfing the net. Its way of downloading files is also clean.
If you are a genuine net surfer and hates to wait for sites to open up go for Google Chrome by all means. It has been around for sometime, even so
here is the download link if you want it:
http://www.google.com/chrome
Friday, March 6, 2009
Need for Words
Orwell’s prophesy about 1984 might have proven wrong. May be changes don’t happen all that sudden. The picture he painted was scary. But the control mechanism of which he hinted at had entered the scene unobtrusively. May be not in the way he thought exactly, but now our lives are more or less controlled by forces unknown to ourselves. Orwell might have erred but was not far too wrong.
Anyway the man is interesting. Hitched to words, I like his article on new words. His idea was that there are not enough words in English to express what goes on in the mind. I take it that he was talking about language in general rather than English.
This is the case with all languages. The words of Mayakovski are too well known to quote again.
He had observed that abstract words are not coined in English. Instead the older words are twisted into forms to accept new meanings. I do not find much to complain about that. You can’t go and produce words just like that. The internet and the cyber world have produced an unlimited number of words by altering or mutilating the existing words. They have been generally accepted. I view this growth of language.
But Orwell’s main point remains. He was concerned about the lack of meaningful words to express abstract mental experiences. Psychology and its several branches are yet grappling with a terminology which the common people can understand. But they are not yet there and these expressions have not taken the place of abstract general terms to describe what happens inside our minds.
Orwell says that every individual has an inner life and others are not in anyway aware of this life because the words to fail to describe mental states.
He did not think of this article as a good one but I agree with him. It’s not safe for the language to remain rooted to the same spot when our all round knowledge is increasing thousand fold.
Anyway the man is interesting. Hitched to words, I like his article on new words. His idea was that there are not enough words in English to express what goes on in the mind. I take it that he was talking about language in general rather than English.
This is the case with all languages. The words of Mayakovski are too well known to quote again.
He had observed that abstract words are not coined in English. Instead the older words are twisted into forms to accept new meanings. I do not find much to complain about that. You can’t go and produce words just like that. The internet and the cyber world have produced an unlimited number of words by altering or mutilating the existing words. They have been generally accepted. I view this growth of language.
But Orwell’s main point remains. He was concerned about the lack of meaningful words to express abstract mental experiences. Psychology and its several branches are yet grappling with a terminology which the common people can understand. But they are not yet there and these expressions have not taken the place of abstract general terms to describe what happens inside our minds.
Orwell says that every individual has an inner life and others are not in anyway aware of this life because the words to fail to describe mental states.
He did not think of this article as a good one but I agree with him. It’s not safe for the language to remain rooted to the same spot when our all round knowledge is increasing thousand fold.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
LIBERATION
Strange as it may seem, there are certain very ordinary events in life which leaves their trace on our psyche irrespective of their relative unimportance at the time of their happening. These imprints may not be evident at the time of their occurrence; they may not raise any ripple in the mind at all. But then in the course of other events these insignificant incidents assume a sudden importance and stands out in clear perspective before the inner eye.
There is this incident in my life which seemed quite absurd when it happened. I was visiting an interesting mystic on the suggestion of my cousin. He (the cousin) had stayed with the mystic for over three years. I don’t know who it was that suggested that the wife and I go visit him and ask his blessings. Well I had never visited any god men up to that point. I was totally against going too I believe, though I have this inner belief that I may have caused it in some way.
Any way we went and he had a strange glow in his eyes (some mystics have this, it’s a result of long hours of meditation, I believe. Some who practice Trataka (gazing at an object without blinking your eye for hours on end) also seem to posses this peculiarity of the eye. All the same it was impressive; you have heard of piercing eyes, these eyes went beyond it. They seemed to enter into your very being and to see everything inside.
When we were there, there was one other couple in the long room that he was sitting in. The place did not especially show any opulence and everything looked frugal. The man in the couple seemed completely under the spell of the mystic. He was obviously being controlled and was acting as if in a trance. He looked very stupid too, I am sorry to say. Anyway they belonged to the upper classes of the society and their children seemed very affectionate towards the mystic. This seemed to be in answer to my doubt that the mystic had a sort of 'low level' following. This also intrigued me. He could obviously read thoughts, even the thoughts of those who were coming to visit him unannounced!
The couple departed after some time and the mystic began to talk to us and I must say that I was impressed by the manner he began to drive me to the wall by strange but seemingly innocuous references to my past life. He would not say something directly but would construct an image with words which alluded to some thing that happened. The mystic seemed clairvoyant. He was smoking a long cigarette at that time. I thought it strange for we have certain conceptions about such characters.
He suddenly asked me.
Why did you stop it? What’s the harm in continuing it?
I was confused. I asked. Stop what?
He indicated the cigarette.
Now, I had quit smoking some four years back and was still regretting it every minute of the day. I was a moderately heavy smoker. It was hard to stop it and I was struggling hard to keep at it. Hence his question intrigued me.
But I did not say anything about it. It was a hard won victory for me and I had secretly prided in my force of will which made it possible.
Then he began to ask about this and that and it always seemed that he knew more about me than myself. Was it a trick or something, I was beginning to wonder.
Then he suddenly told me.
Don’t become a sanyasin, she would be heart broken.
I was stunned. It was true that I had practiced meditation and mantra yoga for a long time in my life. But I had been slowly becoming absorbed in other things after my marriage. At the time I was speaking of I didn't have the faintest inclination towards that way of life. The request (or was it a command) seemed utterly absurd to me then. I was more into the tradition of tantriks than the sanyasins. My belief then was that one could achieve liberation while going on with ones ordinary life. That is the true tantrik tradition.
We soon left.
I laughed all the way back. To her too it did not seem real. Seeing me then and perhaps now no one would believe it. People even had refused to believe that I was into creative writing once. I have a careless and superficial air and behavior generally and people takes me as some one with few brain cells and more poses. I do not know about brain cells but I could be a poseur (if it is the right word) of sorts. I might possibly appear vain to all, but not entirely idiotic hopefully.
Anyway I had absolutely no intention of becoming a sanyasin at all. Years passed, I forgot my meeting with the mystic and was enjoying my life. Then one day while meditating some inner change occurred. I was suddenly illumined. I saw everything clearly as if I was always aware of it, I realized the futility of human life and was filled with immense love for everything that there is in the universe. I had suddenly forgotten that I had a wife and parents and I was this person and had these things in life.
I felt suddenly liberated, I was no more bound, I was no more a prisoner of my senses, and I knew what evil and good really was. I saw everything as child’s play. No ties existed for me; I had no relatives, no name, nothing. I saw myself as the core of everything, I had nothing to do further, and my body was a mere appendage which had no importance.
I had finally given up everything. I had really become a sanyasin. At that time I was doing the Jnana meditation, its final destination, if I could call it that, is the realization of the one reality behind everything. Such realization would not bring any 'sidhis' as they are called in the world. In fact the jnana looks down on all such things as spurious. Hence you must not assume I had become like a god with great 'powers' as they are called. I had gone beyond that. Even before this state was reached I had observed in my meditative states that all the gods were bowing before me. They all came unasked for and would leave after paying their respect to me.
I should say here that this intrigued me no end. I thought that they were making fun of me. All the time I was having these experiences I was leading a normal life otherwise. I had the same pettiness, irritations, joys and hatreds. I did not find any change in me other than in the inward meditative states.
But once this stunning revelation happened I was another being altogether. I knew that I had become liberated and even that did not seem to be of any importance. From that moment I just did not exist as a human individual, I had the body yet; I knew that it would last for some time still. Other than that I had become one with existence.
I stood up and decided to leave then and there. The loose dhoti I was wearing at that time fell off from my body as I rose and I was standing wearing only what was underneath. It did not seem to matter, I started out. I was leaving everything behind. I could visualize my wife and my mother sleeping inside the house. That also did not matter. I felt compassionate towards them but no more connected.
As I was leaving a single thought surfaced.
She will be heart broken
I stood for some time listening to it. What did it mean? My mind was completely without thoughts then. I struggled hard to capture this thought. It seemed distant, meaningless, and unimportant. What makes me listen to it, I wondered.
Was there something yet for me to do.
Then I remembered her that I took for my wife. But I could not recall any special feeling for her, she was like my child, even my mother appeared like a child to me, playing in the shadows, not seeing anything beyond.
Why this thought. I had to struggle hard to recall my past life. It appeared like a figment of imagination, nothingness. What do I have to do with it?
Then the thought came again. She will be heart broken.
I realized it to be true. I do not know why, but she has always doted on me. I am the world for her and she is a simple and childlike soul. If I left her she might go crazy with grief. But should that detain me? These are mere fancies of a life non-existent.
But the thought had stopped me. I sat down and began to meditate on her. Her life of simple faith in me became immediately revealed to me. I could see what would happen to her if I left. My mother might take it in her stride, but not this one. She was still young; it would destroy her life for ever.
I knew that even that would not touch me. I was beyond all that. I had become spotless, purged of everything that was worldly. If I had to remain in it I may have to force my consciousness to accept this world back. It seemed so useless to do so. I was beyond death and sorrow, should I receive them back?
I began to meditate on the world, and on relationships and on Maya. They were all distant, inaccessible. I decided to try to bring them back. They came dead slowly and unwillingly. As I went on trying I managed to bring back some feeling for her. I latched on to it and began to think, there is still my body, it has to run its course, and that course is within the world, why not spend it with her, even if I can’t bring back the old feelings for her. She has terribly strong feelings for me and I knew that she would never let go of them.
I decided to give it a try. It was a long battle but I remained and attracted the world back into me. It came.
Now years after the Maya has come back with a vengeance. I no longer rule her but she has supreme authority over me. It is strange how she does it. She is the great enchantress; she has got me back in her mesh and is wreaking real havoc.
Well in reality nothing matters.
POORNAMADA POORNAMIDAM.
Both are whole.
There is this incident in my life which seemed quite absurd when it happened. I was visiting an interesting mystic on the suggestion of my cousin. He (the cousin) had stayed with the mystic for over three years. I don’t know who it was that suggested that the wife and I go visit him and ask his blessings. Well I had never visited any god men up to that point. I was totally against going too I believe, though I have this inner belief that I may have caused it in some way.
Any way we went and he had a strange glow in his eyes (some mystics have this, it’s a result of long hours of meditation, I believe. Some who practice Trataka (gazing at an object without blinking your eye for hours on end) also seem to posses this peculiarity of the eye. All the same it was impressive; you have heard of piercing eyes, these eyes went beyond it. They seemed to enter into your very being and to see everything inside.
When we were there, there was one other couple in the long room that he was sitting in. The place did not especially show any opulence and everything looked frugal. The man in the couple seemed completely under the spell of the mystic. He was obviously being controlled and was acting as if in a trance. He looked very stupid too, I am sorry to say. Anyway they belonged to the upper classes of the society and their children seemed very affectionate towards the mystic. This seemed to be in answer to my doubt that the mystic had a sort of 'low level' following. This also intrigued me. He could obviously read thoughts, even the thoughts of those who were coming to visit him unannounced!
The couple departed after some time and the mystic began to talk to us and I must say that I was impressed by the manner he began to drive me to the wall by strange but seemingly innocuous references to my past life. He would not say something directly but would construct an image with words which alluded to some thing that happened. The mystic seemed clairvoyant. He was smoking a long cigarette at that time. I thought it strange for we have certain conceptions about such characters.
He suddenly asked me.
Why did you stop it? What’s the harm in continuing it?
I was confused. I asked. Stop what?
He indicated the cigarette.
Now, I had quit smoking some four years back and was still regretting it every minute of the day. I was a moderately heavy smoker. It was hard to stop it and I was struggling hard to keep at it. Hence his question intrigued me.
But I did not say anything about it. It was a hard won victory for me and I had secretly prided in my force of will which made it possible.
Then he began to ask about this and that and it always seemed that he knew more about me than myself. Was it a trick or something, I was beginning to wonder.
Then he suddenly told me.
Don’t become a sanyasin, she would be heart broken.
I was stunned. It was true that I had practiced meditation and mantra yoga for a long time in my life. But I had been slowly becoming absorbed in other things after my marriage. At the time I was speaking of I didn't have the faintest inclination towards that way of life. The request (or was it a command) seemed utterly absurd to me then. I was more into the tradition of tantriks than the sanyasins. My belief then was that one could achieve liberation while going on with ones ordinary life. That is the true tantrik tradition.
We soon left.
I laughed all the way back. To her too it did not seem real. Seeing me then and perhaps now no one would believe it. People even had refused to believe that I was into creative writing once. I have a careless and superficial air and behavior generally and people takes me as some one with few brain cells and more poses. I do not know about brain cells but I could be a poseur (if it is the right word) of sorts. I might possibly appear vain to all, but not entirely idiotic hopefully.
Anyway I had absolutely no intention of becoming a sanyasin at all. Years passed, I forgot my meeting with the mystic and was enjoying my life. Then one day while meditating some inner change occurred. I was suddenly illumined. I saw everything clearly as if I was always aware of it, I realized the futility of human life and was filled with immense love for everything that there is in the universe. I had suddenly forgotten that I had a wife and parents and I was this person and had these things in life.
I felt suddenly liberated, I was no more bound, I was no more a prisoner of my senses, and I knew what evil and good really was. I saw everything as child’s play. No ties existed for me; I had no relatives, no name, nothing. I saw myself as the core of everything, I had nothing to do further, and my body was a mere appendage which had no importance.
I had finally given up everything. I had really become a sanyasin. At that time I was doing the Jnana meditation, its final destination, if I could call it that, is the realization of the one reality behind everything. Such realization would not bring any 'sidhis' as they are called in the world. In fact the jnana looks down on all such things as spurious. Hence you must not assume I had become like a god with great 'powers' as they are called. I had gone beyond that. Even before this state was reached I had observed in my meditative states that all the gods were bowing before me. They all came unasked for and would leave after paying their respect to me.
I should say here that this intrigued me no end. I thought that they were making fun of me. All the time I was having these experiences I was leading a normal life otherwise. I had the same pettiness, irritations, joys and hatreds. I did not find any change in me other than in the inward meditative states.
But once this stunning revelation happened I was another being altogether. I knew that I had become liberated and even that did not seem to be of any importance. From that moment I just did not exist as a human individual, I had the body yet; I knew that it would last for some time still. Other than that I had become one with existence.
I stood up and decided to leave then and there. The loose dhoti I was wearing at that time fell off from my body as I rose and I was standing wearing only what was underneath. It did not seem to matter, I started out. I was leaving everything behind. I could visualize my wife and my mother sleeping inside the house. That also did not matter. I felt compassionate towards them but no more connected.
As I was leaving a single thought surfaced.
She will be heart broken
I stood for some time listening to it. What did it mean? My mind was completely without thoughts then. I struggled hard to capture this thought. It seemed distant, meaningless, and unimportant. What makes me listen to it, I wondered.
Was there something yet for me to do.
Then I remembered her that I took for my wife. But I could not recall any special feeling for her, she was like my child, even my mother appeared like a child to me, playing in the shadows, not seeing anything beyond.
Why this thought. I had to struggle hard to recall my past life. It appeared like a figment of imagination, nothingness. What do I have to do with it?
Then the thought came again. She will be heart broken.
I realized it to be true. I do not know why, but she has always doted on me. I am the world for her and she is a simple and childlike soul. If I left her she might go crazy with grief. But should that detain me? These are mere fancies of a life non-existent.
But the thought had stopped me. I sat down and began to meditate on her. Her life of simple faith in me became immediately revealed to me. I could see what would happen to her if I left. My mother might take it in her stride, but not this one. She was still young; it would destroy her life for ever.
I knew that even that would not touch me. I was beyond all that. I had become spotless, purged of everything that was worldly. If I had to remain in it I may have to force my consciousness to accept this world back. It seemed so useless to do so. I was beyond death and sorrow, should I receive them back?
I began to meditate on the world, and on relationships and on Maya. They were all distant, inaccessible. I decided to try to bring them back. They came dead slowly and unwillingly. As I went on trying I managed to bring back some feeling for her. I latched on to it and began to think, there is still my body, it has to run its course, and that course is within the world, why not spend it with her, even if I can’t bring back the old feelings for her. She has terribly strong feelings for me and I knew that she would never let go of them.
I decided to give it a try. It was a long battle but I remained and attracted the world back into me. It came.
Now years after the Maya has come back with a vengeance. I no longer rule her but she has supreme authority over me. It is strange how she does it. She is the great enchantress; she has got me back in her mesh and is wreaking real havoc.
Well in reality nothing matters.
POORNAMADA POORNAMIDAM.
Both are whole.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Zone Alarm and Windows XP Hotfix kb 943232
I had my share of heart sores with the windows operating system. I have the XP professional service pack 2 now. My office has the Vista, it is too cumbersome in the sense of it being large and needing greater RAM than 512 that I have. I like its features but am not yet ready to install it on my system.
I have recently reinstalled XP because the earlier installation crashed due to some heavy ‘computing’ I did on it in the past year. Some say XP is not as good as the 98 and some say it has loads of options. But what worries me is its health. As every one knows it has very low immunity. One can only survive with it with a dozen or so of safety software’s in the wilderness of internet. I am at present using Windows Defender, Its malicious software removal Tool, and other two anti spyware and antivirus software along with Zone Alarm fire wall. These take up a lot of ram and CPU .There is of course the other option of visiting only a few sites you trust and trusting the firewall and the automatic updates of the Windows... But that is not an option really is it. You have this thing called curiosity within you. It’s like a child and would only become aware that the bright thing it has just touched can also cause pain.
Well with the windows, it’s often like the blonds in humorous jokes. It is far too easy to seduce and it gives up easily. No amount of bug fixes can make it secure. To complicate matters further the company has a way of treating its customers with impunity. Say you have a genuine copy of the OS, but MS-WGA would say that it is not so and solicit your assistance in removing piracy from this and the next world.
This has happened many times with me. They would allow to download and install Windows Defender and would be uploading hundreds of updates into your system; there would be nothing wrong with their notifiers too. They would also conduct a search of your computer and certify that it is genuine. Then all of a sudden when you install some other software in it, it would rise up hell and say that the copy is not genuine.
The recent incident was when I tried to install the Zone Alarm free firewall in it. It has some very nice features and is probably the best firewall available. I downloaded the installer and went into download the software. It down loads and says that it cant be installed unless you have some thing called the the kb 943232 in your computer. I have every update for the computer and they number larger than this kb thing. I went to their site and they offered me every other kb’s than the one I wanted.
In desperation I tried other sites and some of them offer the kb 943232 torrent downloads. To get them you need to log in and register and in some cases pay money too. I had some incidents where the torrent download turned malicious. So there I was stranded and unable to install the darned hotfix kb 943232 wondering what to do next. Perhaps there are many among you like that.
Then there was a stroke of luck. I am an exception to the web surfers in that I go beyond the first two pages of the search results and some times to the end of the search if I am after something specific and want it badly. I wanted the kb 943232 badly and I entered the third page. Well there it was at a rapid share site. Kb 943232 in rar format. It worked for me. I downloaded it and naturally scanned it with everything I have and found it harmless. I unzipped it and ran the installer. That solved the problem. The set up I downloaded was deposited by my system in temporary internet files and I did not have to download it again.
I located it and ran it. It went without a hitch this time.
If some one wants the link to the site where you can download it without being asked to register or give your Email Id etc here it is, you can use it at your own risk. I found it alright.
http://www.4shared.com/get/64062144/2450f9e0/abogelany__XP-KB943232-x86-ENU.html;jsessionid=357AF9B2395A7547F075106BEA8E317A.dc115
I have recently reinstalled XP because the earlier installation crashed due to some heavy ‘computing’ I did on it in the past year. Some say XP is not as good as the 98 and some say it has loads of options. But what worries me is its health. As every one knows it has very low immunity. One can only survive with it with a dozen or so of safety software’s in the wilderness of internet. I am at present using Windows Defender, Its malicious software removal Tool, and other two anti spyware and antivirus software along with Zone Alarm fire wall. These take up a lot of ram and CPU .There is of course the other option of visiting only a few sites you trust and trusting the firewall and the automatic updates of the Windows... But that is not an option really is it. You have this thing called curiosity within you. It’s like a child and would only become aware that the bright thing it has just touched can also cause pain.
Well with the windows, it’s often like the blonds in humorous jokes. It is far too easy to seduce and it gives up easily. No amount of bug fixes can make it secure. To complicate matters further the company has a way of treating its customers with impunity. Say you have a genuine copy of the OS, but MS-WGA would say that it is not so and solicit your assistance in removing piracy from this and the next world.
This has happened many times with me. They would allow to download and install Windows Defender and would be uploading hundreds of updates into your system; there would be nothing wrong with their notifiers too. They would also conduct a search of your computer and certify that it is genuine. Then all of a sudden when you install some other software in it, it would rise up hell and say that the copy is not genuine.
The recent incident was when I tried to install the Zone Alarm free firewall in it. It has some very nice features and is probably the best firewall available. I downloaded the installer and went into download the software. It down loads and says that it cant be installed unless you have some thing called the the kb 943232 in your computer. I have every update for the computer and they number larger than this kb thing. I went to their site and they offered me every other kb’s than the one I wanted.
In desperation I tried other sites and some of them offer the kb 943232 torrent downloads. To get them you need to log in and register and in some cases pay money too. I had some incidents where the torrent download turned malicious. So there I was stranded and unable to install the darned hotfix kb 943232 wondering what to do next. Perhaps there are many among you like that.
Then there was a stroke of luck. I am an exception to the web surfers in that I go beyond the first two pages of the search results and some times to the end of the search if I am after something specific and want it badly. I wanted the kb 943232 badly and I entered the third page. Well there it was at a rapid share site. Kb 943232 in rar format. It worked for me. I downloaded it and naturally scanned it with everything I have and found it harmless. I unzipped it and ran the installer. That solved the problem. The set up I downloaded was deposited by my system in temporary internet files and I did not have to download it again.
I located it and ran it. It went without a hitch this time.
If some one wants the link to the site where you can download it without being asked to register or give your Email Id etc here it is, you can use it at your own risk. I found it alright.
http://www.4shared.com/get/64062144/2450f9e0/abogelany__XP-KB943232-x86-ENU.html;jsessionid=357AF9B2395A7547F075106BEA8E317A.dc115
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The stupid game
I did complain that my opponents are a little weak upstairs. Well quite apart from being totally vacant inside their skulls , they are completely monotonous too. They enact the same drama over and over again. Being not very intelligent they of course do not get tired by it. Well don’t think that by intelligence I mean the trick to add two and two together and derive its sum (likely 5 or 3). That kind of intelligence belongs to the lowest scale in the ladder.
But there is an intelligence which works to make what we are. It is what is known as sensibility. Well you can’t preach the bible to the oxen( Is this saying correct? Who knows? I might have committed the biggest sacrilege by saying so. Anyway you can guess at the meaning , can’t you). So you can’t preach to these wonderful individuals about being sensible.
This vaccancy and drama encores are terrible. It has a killing effect on others most of the time. Unknown to them it is the greatest weapon they have. When you suffer it day in and day out you feel defeated . Not by anything that is done by them, but by the terrible monotony of it all. Its like the eternal recurrence of Nietzsche. It keeps repeating in a never ending loop. Kundera foresaw the tedium of it . It’s a burden on the soul. You feel weighed down.
My opponents exemplifies this behavior. They produce the filthiest burden one could have on ones consciousness . Its a dead weight, unless you are careful it would wiegh you down if anything else does not.
You try to tell them something about being inventive and they are stunned, their mouths fall open. They just can’t grasp the word. They can even climb the Everest( though I doubt it very much- they don’t have the capability to climb a mole hill at present), but no, upon their mama they don’t know what inventiveness is.
No wonder all their ideas come from our dear and near fuzz, and every one knows how these geniuses work. I had the occasion to hear some of them describe how they go about their buisiness. The basic rule seems to be that “a dog will always come back to its old haunts”. So naturally they play a waiting game, and in playing the game they get old and obese and unfortunately on one fine day they give up the ghost or the ghost gives them up.
Some say that the later is true. To tell you the truth I differ entirely , no self respecting ghost would ever dare to posses the members of the fuzz. They would naturally have more sense than that. To posses some one you need a soul to latch on , these special breed of people come without this feature in their construction.
They of course have one particularity, it’s a dumb feature , it separates them from their contemporaries. It sorts of keeps them apart from others. They have a distinctive smell, it’s the most revolting in the world. You don’t actually smell it, you sense it. It is unmistakable, it enters your soul like the night. It can not be erased for some time afterwards.
Well we were talking about their great techniques of detection. I made you acquitted with the one technique that they know of( This is the case for the entire world). But hey have great faith in it.
Anyhow it seems that the dogs have become intelligent than the members of the fuzz lately. No dog seems to be visiting the old haunts anymore.
There is this legend in our land. It’s the story of a murderer who burned some one inside a car and disappeared for ever. Some thirty years have passed since but still no sign of the ‘dog’ visiting the old haunts. Perhaps there are dogs and dogs, some dogs are completely brainless and hovers near their neighborhoods till they are done in, there could also be dogs of a different variety who has something called intelligence.
But that of course does not come within the realm of their power to know. They are the “practical’ experts on all the stupid aspects of life.
They are actively training the morons at my office now. The mechanism works this way. They force them remove chairs or other articles near my desk and would not replace it. Naturally that would create problems. You guessed it-This is enacted because I am in charge of the furniture and of the office in general. The moment I decide to take up the issue they would start making a lot of noise at the top of their voice.
Today they had the best day of their lives. They removed the chairs for the umpteenth time and my effort to bring it to the attention of the lady boss fell into deaf ears. What do they do with the chairs is a mystery. May be they are selling it for money or may be they are using them for firewood ( The chairs are wooden). There have been mysterious disappearences of objects even before. None have reappeared yet. But those were brought with Plan money and there is no audit for it. In this case it was different. These are numbered government chairs and they have dissappeared with the knowledge and involvement of the persons in power.
My collegues have great animosity towards me. But that does not make the rules meaningless. To me it causes no trouble at all. I have just to bring it to the attention of the concerned and my responsibility is over once they refrain from looking into the matter. I can record the fact in black and white and keep the record for future reference. ( There is no proceedure to report it to the higher ups at present by going above the persons directly above one) So I have let it lay at that.
One other imminent threat is about harming my vehicle while it is parked near the office. This has been hinted at after I brought up the subject of the missing chairs. It was done an unbelievable number of times. So there is nothing new in it
Anyway they are planning a big feast on the morrow. This is in joy of today’s victory of making the chairs dissappear and my failiure to rectify it. They have called up resources from out side and probably, the one guy who started it all, would be present tomorrow to enjoy the feast.
Well the stupid game at the expense of the people continues.
But there is an intelligence which works to make what we are. It is what is known as sensibility. Well you can’t preach the bible to the oxen( Is this saying correct? Who knows? I might have committed the biggest sacrilege by saying so. Anyway you can guess at the meaning , can’t you). So you can’t preach to these wonderful individuals about being sensible.
This vaccancy and drama encores are terrible. It has a killing effect on others most of the time. Unknown to them it is the greatest weapon they have. When you suffer it day in and day out you feel defeated . Not by anything that is done by them, but by the terrible monotony of it all. Its like the eternal recurrence of Nietzsche. It keeps repeating in a never ending loop. Kundera foresaw the tedium of it . It’s a burden on the soul. You feel weighed down.
My opponents exemplifies this behavior. They produce the filthiest burden one could have on ones consciousness . Its a dead weight, unless you are careful it would wiegh you down if anything else does not.
You try to tell them something about being inventive and they are stunned, their mouths fall open. They just can’t grasp the word. They can even climb the Everest( though I doubt it very much- they don’t have the capability to climb a mole hill at present), but no, upon their mama they don’t know what inventiveness is.
No wonder all their ideas come from our dear and near fuzz, and every one knows how these geniuses work. I had the occasion to hear some of them describe how they go about their buisiness. The basic rule seems to be that “a dog will always come back to its old haunts”. So naturally they play a waiting game, and in playing the game they get old and obese and unfortunately on one fine day they give up the ghost or the ghost gives them up.
Some say that the later is true. To tell you the truth I differ entirely , no self respecting ghost would ever dare to posses the members of the fuzz. They would naturally have more sense than that. To posses some one you need a soul to latch on , these special breed of people come without this feature in their construction.
They of course have one particularity, it’s a dumb feature , it separates them from their contemporaries. It sorts of keeps them apart from others. They have a distinctive smell, it’s the most revolting in the world. You don’t actually smell it, you sense it. It is unmistakable, it enters your soul like the night. It can not be erased for some time afterwards.
Well we were talking about their great techniques of detection. I made you acquitted with the one technique that they know of( This is the case for the entire world). But hey have great faith in it.
Anyhow it seems that the dogs have become intelligent than the members of the fuzz lately. No dog seems to be visiting the old haunts anymore.
There is this legend in our land. It’s the story of a murderer who burned some one inside a car and disappeared for ever. Some thirty years have passed since but still no sign of the ‘dog’ visiting the old haunts. Perhaps there are dogs and dogs, some dogs are completely brainless and hovers near their neighborhoods till they are done in, there could also be dogs of a different variety who has something called intelligence.
But that of course does not come within the realm of their power to know. They are the “practical’ experts on all the stupid aspects of life.
They are actively training the morons at my office now. The mechanism works this way. They force them remove chairs or other articles near my desk and would not replace it. Naturally that would create problems. You guessed it-This is enacted because I am in charge of the furniture and of the office in general. The moment I decide to take up the issue they would start making a lot of noise at the top of their voice.
Today they had the best day of their lives. They removed the chairs for the umpteenth time and my effort to bring it to the attention of the lady boss fell into deaf ears. What do they do with the chairs is a mystery. May be they are selling it for money or may be they are using them for firewood ( The chairs are wooden). There have been mysterious disappearences of objects even before. None have reappeared yet. But those were brought with Plan money and there is no audit for it. In this case it was different. These are numbered government chairs and they have dissappeared with the knowledge and involvement of the persons in power.
My collegues have great animosity towards me. But that does not make the rules meaningless. To me it causes no trouble at all. I have just to bring it to the attention of the concerned and my responsibility is over once they refrain from looking into the matter. I can record the fact in black and white and keep the record for future reference. ( There is no proceedure to report it to the higher ups at present by going above the persons directly above one) So I have let it lay at that.
One other imminent threat is about harming my vehicle while it is parked near the office. This has been hinted at after I brought up the subject of the missing chairs. It was done an unbelievable number of times. So there is nothing new in it
Anyway they are planning a big feast on the morrow. This is in joy of today’s victory of making the chairs dissappear and my failiure to rectify it. They have called up resources from out side and probably, the one guy who started it all, would be present tomorrow to enjoy the feast.
Well the stupid game at the expense of the people continues.
Monday, March 2, 2009
NIce
Honestly I just don’t know how the Google bombing works, I am scant interested in it too. But that doesn’t save me from being bombed does it. It’s a free sky and any one can climb into a rickety plane and do some bombing if they wish (even the Americans have had such experiences).
But mostly people do it out of spite, to cheat others of money and make them earn the mighty wrath of Google. But that might not wash in my case. Because I do not charge a single Kopek (It’s a Russian ‘naya paise’ is it not?) for the wonderful things that I write. Not that I am a rich man, far from it, but you can’t charge anything for crap can you? (The Chinese use shit as manure I learn, they might charge something for theirs. Wonderful people, them. They are about to take over the world it seems. Very industrious too. )
Anyway people like me who does not know the real worth of the things that we produce are rather shy about marketing them. But it appears to be a good commodity to market. People have been using cow dung for ever as long as manure (I can’t say about the city bred and city educated lot, but in this land we once used dung as a manure. I can still recall the ugly smell of the thing. We had a few cows back in those days.
There is a hospital near our home which recycles all sort of fluids back into drinking water and serving it to the patients all the year round. Patients flock to the hospital. The water they get otherwise could not be trusted. This at least has passed through real stringent tests. The other day I saw a short film on recycling our refuse into snow. There were shot of people skating on it. Pure white snow if you want. Like always it was somewhere in America. They come up with healthy ideas all the year round.
They are the guys who turned a foolish idea into a city which does not sleep-the Las Vegas. Mighty dreams, mighty dreams.
There are all kinds of things that we can do with dreams. The foremost being not seeing them at all. One has to have some peace of mind don’t one? In case you are the guy who is after lucid dreaming, make the dreams come true. The world is getting drabber and drabber by the day. What would we do if we lose all our dreams?
Any way enough of the circumlocution, ( as if I have something very important to say!) let us climb back on to the wagon .I was actually hoping that some one might do it, so that the great things I write gets the attention of the general public, for how else do we write.
I must be really into prayer big way for I had the luck of seeing two of my least lethal posts being treated as the finest shit on the subject. Well let me say that they are.
If it is due to bombing that is very sad, for you just cant imagine the amount of time I had to spend on them.
But mostly people do it out of spite, to cheat others of money and make them earn the mighty wrath of Google. But that might not wash in my case. Because I do not charge a single Kopek (It’s a Russian ‘naya paise’ is it not?) for the wonderful things that I write. Not that I am a rich man, far from it, but you can’t charge anything for crap can you? (The Chinese use shit as manure I learn, they might charge something for theirs. Wonderful people, them. They are about to take over the world it seems. Very industrious too. )
Anyway people like me who does not know the real worth of the things that we produce are rather shy about marketing them. But it appears to be a good commodity to market. People have been using cow dung for ever as long as manure (I can’t say about the city bred and city educated lot, but in this land we once used dung as a manure. I can still recall the ugly smell of the thing. We had a few cows back in those days.
There is a hospital near our home which recycles all sort of fluids back into drinking water and serving it to the patients all the year round. Patients flock to the hospital. The water they get otherwise could not be trusted. This at least has passed through real stringent tests. The other day I saw a short film on recycling our refuse into snow. There were shot of people skating on it. Pure white snow if you want. Like always it was somewhere in America. They come up with healthy ideas all the year round.
They are the guys who turned a foolish idea into a city which does not sleep-the Las Vegas. Mighty dreams, mighty dreams.
There are all kinds of things that we can do with dreams. The foremost being not seeing them at all. One has to have some peace of mind don’t one? In case you are the guy who is after lucid dreaming, make the dreams come true. The world is getting drabber and drabber by the day. What would we do if we lose all our dreams?
Any way enough of the circumlocution, ( as if I have something very important to say!) let us climb back on to the wagon .I was actually hoping that some one might do it, so that the great things I write gets the attention of the general public, for how else do we write.
I must be really into prayer big way for I had the luck of seeing two of my least lethal posts being treated as the finest shit on the subject. Well let me say that they are.
If it is due to bombing that is very sad, for you just cant imagine the amount of time I had to spend on them.
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