Do you know what sincerity is? Well it is nothing very spectacular, it is not the fireworks to be sure, it’s not the floods or famine or earth quake or an even atomic explosion. But then it can cause all these! It is the most basic of all feelings. It is SINCERETY!
Every one of us has had this terrible feeling of being unnecessarily sincere (to ourselves of course) at one time or other. On occasions we even surprise everyone with the intensity of the feeling. A person wonder, is this the guy we knew up to now, is this the guy we grew up with? See how worked up he is! There is some kind of a halo around the guy. He sizzles all over. He is sincerity itself. Well who would not like such praises?
Speaking from experience, at one time, I had this horribly sincere feeling about a girl. I was very young then, about nineteen to twenty I think. Some people call it by the name of love, but I can tell you it is nothing but sincerity terribly camouflaged. When you have it, it is killing. It is like being inside the blast furnace day and night. It singes you to hell, who ever told the world that it is a beautiful feeling. It is torment extreme.
I was so sincere that her mere thought would burn everything inside me. Her sweet apparition would stand before me at all times. To this day I could not understand the magic about it. I see my mug in the mirror every day and I can’t remember it at all. Nor could I remember all those people I see around every day in any detail. I was never was that observant! All the same there she would be before my minds eye, glittering and shining very moment, though I have only seen her score of times!
The sad fact is that I was even in love with the faint filament of saliva which formed occasionally in her sweet mouth. I used to rave about it, though I hated it in others. The strange power of love, it adds beauty to the weirdest of things.
Only those who had the lovely luck to be caught in its wicked net (It is not the internet or fish net or even the hair net my friend don’t mistake me, it is about the blessed net woven by the stupid cupid that I am talking about.) can vouch for the intense pain that it ushers in. The wise say that you should be in love at least once in your lives. Well once is bloody enough. No one would ever venture on that line again once completely burned. There is a thing called self preservation isn’t there?
Can you sleep? Can you dream and even when you are dreaming are you really in it, can you do any of the most ordinary things of your life with any amount of confidence? Are you out of your blessed nut?
It is terrible, truly terrible. You become accountable for every single action of yours. You do a dumb thing (which of course is your birth right, or at least I think it is mine!) and you are suffused in pain- God what will she thinks of it? It is as if you are standing before an invisible jury every second who is ready to convict you on the flimsiest of pretexts.
You fail at some thing and have this searing sensation that you have failed her in some way (all the while she would probably be thinking about some other such idiots like you or not thinking of anything else other than her own blessed self!) Oh god it was unbearable.
The liking for her saliva filament not with standing, I was a fool for pure platonic love then. I had all the animal urges for sure, but I was in that totally idealistic frame of mind about her. Not that I did not have chances to do some thing else. I had enough in fact. But corrupting her soul (may be she was pure and may be she wasn’t, she derided platonic love on one occasion I remember, but I would have none of that.). If I had a wicked dream about her I would be reduced to ashes, and if I had a lovely dream about the nymph I would burn more.
Oh the trouble of it all!
The strangest thing was that I thought this feeling was totally unique and has not been experienced by any one else in the world. But now I am certain that it truly was beyond parallel in the world. For it was the height of stupidity, I should have introduced libido into it on the very first chance. I know every one of you would kick me around for saying this (wink), yet I think this is how everybody feels about their own stupid little platonic love affairs.
Well all this comes out of a thing called sincerity. But if you are not sincere what are you? You would be a hypocrite to be sure, a phony, an insensitive scoundrel. Yet what is wrong with that? If it saves you from emotional entanglements, if it saves you from being laughed at, being made fun off, and if it provides you with wonderful opportunities to have a little bit of pleasure, what is wrong with that?
There are people who can live without a drop of water till they die, there are those who can exist without eating (the Ethiopians for example. There was this incident in which a starving child asks its ‘carrying’ mother what she had eaten without even giving a morsel to it! Heart breaking. But we can steel ourselves to it and go after the pleasures that would satisfy us.), there are people who can walk around without taking a bath for days on end and the only people who are bothered are just you and me, there are also those who can even subsist without breathing , people call them dead. We have all seen them haven’t we?
Why can’t we live without sincerity? It is not a sin is it? Tell me, what is the one thing you want in life? Peace of mind is it not. You do not want to have it in pieces instead. You are after whole and complete tranquility.
What is the best way to achieve it? Strangle every little feeling that you have, oust them for once and for ever. Then and then only you are saved.
Well yet there are people who can not live without sincerity, who will be terribly lost if it is not there. They find themselves in the greatest wilderness of their lives if they do not follow the sincere promptings of their hearts. Can you believe it? Is it not the biggest folly in the whole wide world?
But then that is how this feeling is; it is the most wonderful of all things. It is called sincerity.
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